Almost a year ago I left a country I had fallen in love with. Several reasons and excuses played into my decision to return home, but if I am being honest with myself the primary reason was fear and a lack of trust. Now I sit here longing to go back struck by the fear that I will never return.
I’m going to let you in on a little secret… Support raising is difficult. At least for me anyway. I often feel surrounded by people who make it look so easy. They casually strut up to people and walk away fully funded. I, however, spend fifteen minutes giving myself a pep talk only to still have shaky knees and speak at a volume barely audible. To make matters worse I am often met with discouraging and sometimes harsh words when I do muster up the courage to talk to people about support raising. I don’t mean to call anyone out but “wouldn’t you rather go to *insert other country here, often a place in western Europe* and “oh, so this isn’t a real job” aren’t words I want or need to hear.
There have been moments over the past few months where I have wanted to give up. Why work so hard at something i’m just going to fail at. I have questioned that if I can’t even do this one little thing how can I even begin to think I am capable of living overseas. If i’m not good enough for this than i’m not good enough for that.
Now in my family we have a saying.. it goes a little like this “A Fairbairn is always right” And it doesn’t matter if two Fairbairns are arguing with each other they are both right. And guess what? I am right. I’m not good enough for this and i’m not good enough for that. I can’t support raise. I fail at it everyday. I have tried everything I can think of and I have FAILED! & I am right that I am not good enough to teach in Laos either. There are days where my students ask me questions that I have no idea what the answer is & if there is an upside to being home it is that I have 24/7 access to Google.
For the past several months I have exhausted every idea I can think of to reach out to people for support. There are times when it has worked and there are times when I have been straight up ignored. There have been mornings when I wake up and people have shared my story and my support page without me even asking. Last month I led a group of high school students to Nicaragua and a couple weeks ago one of the students told me that he wanted to donate. He told me he didn’t know how much he could give but I was so touched by his generosity. There have been moments where people have walked up to me and have said Hey I want to support you without me ever saying a word. But I in my failure forget these times so easily. I am overwhelmed by the discouraging words and the impossibility of it all.
This past week I was met with such a sense of loss of hope that I was brought to my knees in surrender. The world said maybe it’s time to give up. But after so many months of telling myself to do this very thing, this time I didn’t want to. I wanted to hold on. Just a couple days ago I was met with another failure and it was what I felt was my last glimmer of hope. But at that moment I was met with peace that transcends beyond all understanding and truly believed it will happen regardless.
I have no idea how but neither did Moses when a burning bush told him to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. & Neither did Joshua understand how he would win the battle by walking around in circles for 7 days. But it is at these times when there is no where else to turn or options left that the Father shows up and reveals his wonder. This is what I am counting on. A Father who comes forward on my behalf at a time when all hope is lost and does miraculous things because it can only be credited to Him & there is no explanation for its possibility other than Him. This is my hope in the midst of all my failures. And now it all boils down to this… Do I believe that He is The Doer of impossible things and The Provision of every good thing? Do I believe? “Yes, I believe”
“By faith the people passed through the Red Sea on dry land.. By faith the walls of Jericho fell”